When in the course of life I come upon certain spectacles I feel no compulsion whatsoever to cross them. They are boundaries. The uncrossable. That which is too much for me. I have one example:
Eyeball tattoos. The very thought of someone else having the whites of their eyes tattooed in a different color is enough to make me turn away in disgust...which is silly because I’m thinking about it, and turning away doesn’t help. But we get the point. Eyeball tattooing is far worse and more disgusting than Mr. Dave’s enthralling exposition on zits (which, I have to say, is rather funny). Why would anyone tattoo an eyeball? It seems like a torture you might see in an exploitation film with Nazi characters. Can anyone fathom eyeball tattooing? Am I alone in my disgust? Is anyone listening?
Tongue splitting! Not as disgusting as eyeball tattooing, tongue splitting is nonetheless rather silly. Would you like to walk around with a forked reptilian tongue?
That’s all I have. Eyes and Tongues. Lenguas! Augen!
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A Slowly Growing List of Things to Look Forward To When You Have a Child
- Every day is either Christmas or Halloween or Birthday or Easter
- Leave those cats alone! They're going to scratch you and it will hurt
- You cannot lie under circumstances, but nor can you tell the literal truth
- Geez that kid is sharp
- Can I have cake? Can I have cake? Can I have cake? Huh? Daddy? Can I have cake?
- For the last time, stop asking me!
- Noticing the growth: taller and a bit heavier to carry
- Children's television shows
- Food. Wasted food
- Remembering that you once acted this way yourself
- Watching where the both of you are going
- The joy of hearing the word "fuck" being used experimentally, and justifying this experimentation by saying "Well they learn it eventually"
- TANTRUMS
- Sitting down together on the living room floor, a mess of blocks & cars & plush Care Bears strewn around you, discussing the complexities of each car's identity, its name, and why it is so humorous
- Having to take responsibility for someone else for a change
- More frustration than you're prepared for
- Wicked cackling
- Drawings of potato guys
- Learning about the world all over again
- Circular Logic
- Unexpected hugs and words put beautifully together out of context
- Waking up after 4 hours of sleep, and unexpectedly having to confront shit, in more than one place, including the carpet, a big toe, a butt, a bed, a toilet seat, and underpants
3 comments:
If the tattoo artist fucks up on your back tattoo, all you end up with is a fucked-up tattoo. But if he/she fucks up on your eyeball tattoo? You're probably blind.
I can't even put Visine in my eyes. There's no way someone's coming at them with ink and a needle.
Word verification: OBOMA, almost a president.
I can imagine the benefits of having a lover with a split tongue.
Me too. Yet every now and again, when we drive past a retirement home, we think about how all the body-modified people will appear decades down the road. Will they seem normal? Will they be ashamed of how they once were? Will the old man with the cranial devil-horn implants soil himself just to scare the nurses and waggle his split tongue at them? Will cloven heels become fashionable?
?????
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