2008/09/26
Hauslos. Homeless. Without Home. Noplace to Go.
If you stare long enough at someone or something, you begin to sense aspects of that someone or something never before apparent. The homeless. Look past the obvious. Look beyond the stereotypes. Beyond the violence, despair, feelings of intolerance and rejection. Smell them. Smell them as they smell themselves and each other. You are not one of them, but nor are you one of those people who looks down at them, condescends. You are not one of those people who fears the homeless. Why fear them? Have they nothing to lose? Perhaps nothing is all they have. Imagine the things homeless people fear! Each other. Police. Dogs. Rabies. Sickness. The heat, the cold. A freezing night. Being unable to find someplace to sleep. What if one fears to fall asleep because he may not wake up? Do they fear waking up? They must fear each other. A group of them together like any other group divides itself along leadership and subservience lines. Would they fear to accept handouts? Would they be too proud to accept charity? Vain? Are there vain homeless? Selfish or selfless, certainly, but vain? Is vanity ever an effect of homelessness? Who are their folk heroes? Who do they admire? How does American culture influence the homeless and vice versa? How does one earn their respect? How many use drugs, methamphetamine, heroin, crack, pills? How many are drunks? How many pretend for our benefit? How many aren’t homeless, but panhandle professionally?
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A Slowly Growing List of Things to Look Forward To When You Have a Child
- Every day is either Christmas or Halloween or Birthday or Easter
- Leave those cats alone! They're going to scratch you and it will hurt
- You cannot lie under circumstances, but nor can you tell the literal truth
- Geez that kid is sharp
- Can I have cake? Can I have cake? Can I have cake? Huh? Daddy? Can I have cake?
- For the last time, stop asking me!
- Noticing the growth: taller and a bit heavier to carry
- Children's television shows
- Food. Wasted food
- Remembering that you once acted this way yourself
- Watching where the both of you are going
- The joy of hearing the word "fuck" being used experimentally, and justifying this experimentation by saying "Well they learn it eventually"
- TANTRUMS
- Sitting down together on the living room floor, a mess of blocks & cars & plush Care Bears strewn around you, discussing the complexities of each car's identity, its name, and why it is so humorous
- Having to take responsibility for someone else for a change
- More frustration than you're prepared for
- Wicked cackling
- Drawings of potato guys
- Learning about the world all over again
- Circular Logic
- Unexpected hugs and words put beautifully together out of context
- Waking up after 4 hours of sleep, and unexpectedly having to confront shit, in more than one place, including the carpet, a big toe, a butt, a bed, a toilet seat, and underpants
2 comments:
I have a homeless brother. He fears a lot of things and loves a lot of things; he's smart and beautiful and funny; he's an addict; he paces through the night because it's hard to sleep outside in the dark, and it's safer to sleep during the day; he has a myspace page; he's one of the greatest readers I know; he's sick and his body aches and he's dying faster than a person should; he has blisters on his feet and he feels cold and wet when it rains or snows; he drinks to stay warm; he shoots up meth to forget about a lot of things--the abuse he suffered as a child at the hands of our father, the neglect he suffered under our mother's watch, the hatred our Christian circle poured on him because he's gay--and to feel alive, to feel a part of things; at times he's the most gentle person I know and at others I'm scared he'll hurt me; he's tried to push me down the stairs; he's tried to snap my neck; he can be volatile and out of control; he's selfish and lonely; he'll choose drugs or a drink over stability; he's stolen my money, my alcohol, my DVDs and CDs, my knives, my checks; he loves Tori Amos, has an impeccable taste in movies; he's a person and he feels, has a family that aches for him, and a sister who misses him.
Wow, I wish I'd looked at my blog more recently.
This is one of those responses in which language fails to convey...whatever it's supposed to convey.
I do, however, think about the homeless shelter in Austin, Texas. An enormous, modern-looking building near the heart of downtown, businesses and bars and Sixth Street. The business owners had nothing but complaints about the shelter, and indeed there were many, many homeless people roaming around. But goddammit where are they...that doesn't do any good. Answers are clear and simple, actions are not. No one's giving them golden parachutes or bailouts or $400,000 junkets to spas. Once again words are failing. I'll go now.
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